I've never ever felt more lonely than I do tonight...
And so
I will drink my self silly...

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I And She.

Some nights...

I only feel the woven mat between the mattress and the marble.

[While She holds her pillow with that nightly-dreamy look on her face.]


Some afternoons...

I only feel the empty heat of the summer.

[While She tilts her head back, her eyes contrasting with her parted lips.]


Some mornings...

I only feel the world's possibilities outside the still-dim walls.

[While She dances with the excitement of her dress' hem.]


Some days...

We find ourselves feeling the earth's daily turning... both thinking, yes, We are each other's gravity.

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October 8, 2009.

Flat surfaces fool you
No marks
Cool and uncomplicated-looking things
Not one visible crack
Not a single, faint tremor

Ancient earthquakes

There are no fingerprints here
No traces of clenched fists
Yelled-out voices
Never transcribed
Pristine vastness of white that fool you

Yes... memories are sly creatures.

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Growing pains

Hello my loves,
No holds barred, laying it all out for you guys...
Last thursday started out wonderful,
that day I got to judge an acoustic battle (my first time to judge, ever)
then we got to play. (I love that we get to play Jenny, Zoilo, Andre, Strangefire is such a lifeboat for me.)
Plus the reaction we got!!! It still tickles me when I think about it.
Then, I thought I'd go home early to rest to prepare for the big gig on Saturday, the one I've been looking forward to...
Then in a few seconds, boom, things changed.
Clumsy clumsy me, I fell and sprained my left foot/ankle very badly, I even made a little scene at the hospital, it hurt so bad. I thought I broke something... poor Zoilo got cursed and cussed out by potty mouth me...
And since then I've been stuck at home in tuding, all by my lonesome.
Mom and Daddy Jay have been staying at the Manor.
Let me tell you, me being alone with me, not always a very good idea. I missed the big Saturday gig that I had been looking forward to, I couldn't walk, and can barely yet...
Ate Sandy and Jen said that this was the universe's way of telling me to slow down, I've got to tell you, the universe's timing kinda stinks.
So, anyway, here I am bedridden and alone, I've watched 5 series' (Supernatural, Dexter, Big Bang Theory, Dexter and Mad Men.) I've read 4 books and am sort of going stir crazy. but on the other hand, I got lots of rest (thank God for drugs). I got to talk to the guy who Mosbey-ed me and we've been talking a lot for the past few days, he's nice, and a geek like me so hooray!!! But the inteest on my part is totally friendship based... Anyway, rest was good and alone time has been both good and bad for me...
Yeah, sorry this post is all over the place...
Mostly, I've been alone with my thoughts, and I know its a good thing because come Monday, the day of my sweet sweet freedom, I know that I'll be armed with a much needed fresh perspective...
So, about these thoughts, they were all mean and terrible and all this ugliness was directed towards myself. I've told you guys I'm lonely in that way that friends can't fill, and I've told you how I'm falling HARD for the funny boy (you know who I'm talking about) and it unravels me because I've never felt anything like this before and it completely throws me off kilter. I can't control it and it drives me crazy in a sometimes neurotic stalkerish kinda way hahahaha.... It consumes me so fully sometimes, every little thing leads me to thoughts of him, then I start beating myself up for being so obsessed because no way that someone like that is ever going to change for the likes of someone like me...
I want to cry buckets and buckets of tears but I can't and Im scared that in an effort to get a hold of my emotions I've put my self back on the auto roboto phase that it took so long for me to get out of. I am scared guys, I'm scared that Cabo is going to fail because of me, I'm scared that I'll never find that someone, I hate how I look arrrggghhh..., I feel insecure about myself, my friendships, I'm scared you guys are going to get tired of me and leave. I am broke, scared and I feel like I am in over my head!!! I feel like I'm falling with no bottom in sight... so much hate and anger so many emotions I feel like I'm spinning out of control. I wish there were an easy out, a quick fix button but no such luck.
What I feel and what I know are two separate entities at the moment...
But I know that this is happening for a reason. Next year I turn 25, an important year, an important number. Something huge is on the horizon for me and I know I need to go through this. But it hurts and its hard and it is so painful... Growing pains... and I am scared...
I need you guys but I know that I need to sort through a lot of this on my own.
So please bear with me okay? sometimes I'll need a lot of reassurance, hugs and space... Malabo ba?
I am grateful for you guys... and I'm going to be more than okay, I'm going to be great...
But for now, I'm going to ride this wave. I'm going to hang tough and be as strong as I can, and I am going to keep loving you, my life and my self... Maybe not all the time but I will always remind myself that there is hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, they say it is always darkest before sunrise, and I'm waiting for daybreak... hope it comes soon..

I love you guys!!! Thanks for reading this...

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Waiting With A "117" Taped To My Chest..

Jenny, your recent post made me realize that I haven't visited my blog in a long time... I haven't written anything in a long time...

____
Too long... but time is relative here.

Sensation of tremors in my arms
My hands feel like two phantoms
My elbows absent
My shoulders floating somewhere else

And I only feel my back pressed against the wall

Locks of hair- like twisted shoelaces
Form patterns on my scalp
The companions of idle fingertips
Weaving idleness into forms of creations

Six years of silence in a six-minute full circle.

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Yes.

Yes, Shirley. Yes. I'm in an infinitely better place now. So much of that is because you are in my life. Thank you everything we share: the joys, the sorrows, the many crazy messes we get into.

I remember your old blog. The one that got you (and me) writing again after so long. Going through your old posts now. The entry from August 6, 2008 struck a chord in me. Admittedly, at the time, the kind of "togetherness" you spoke about completely mystified me. Of course, my paradigms have shifted since then, and I can honestly say that I understand completely.

Thought about you a lot when I was stuck on the damn bus. And I did some more writing. With no intention whatsoever to publish this anywhere, I feel no compunction about posting this. My words are out there anyway. I know you know what I mean. Somewhere the poems float on: perhaps kept and treasured, or maybe lost and forgotten. Wherever they are, a part of me resides in the heart of the world now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

***

The wind moves inside me
the way mountains will move
or sigh or breathe
and tumble like the coarse
gray pebbles of dawn. Sleep
is fading. When was
it ever solid?

Gravity
passes over me. The sky tautens, lifts
its grey grasp from the city.

Somewhere high above is a song,
and a river, and a book about
the continents. I am the shifting, and you--
my sweet-- the tremors of night.
The rifling of blank pages.

Look up: there is a riverboat of cloud
and the keening of the wind,
as it moves inside me. The tired stretch
of road moves inside me
with a shimmering. Was it diminishing?
Still, there is a quickening of wings.
You are the quickening. There
is a tree, and the shadow of a tree
looming. The forms that we assume
are pulsing through the firmament, as
the world turns. As the world turns.

[Sptember 28, 2009]

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The Love Sick puppy- yup, that's me...

hey guys, I wrote this a few days ago, its still a work in progress... Love you!!!

Let us lie down,
My love,
My funny boy.

You can stare at the ceiling and think of nothing,
You can lay there with your hands behind your head
and I will rest mine on your chest
and ride the waves of the rhythm of your breath.

We can stay still and keep silent,
we can create our tiny universe
population two,
spin it out of the wisps of nothing,
turning each second into precious stones.
that I will use to encrust my soul.


In your eyes,
I see volumes, numerous chapters,
You are the pages I long to read for days on end,
I will go on an adventure from your fingertips
I will gallop with the firing of your thoughts
and dance along to the music of you.

I wait,
only for you,
perhaps you will find me to be your perfect card,
perhaps not.

Meanwhile I savor you,
how you sprinkle around me like
powdered sugar,
encompassing all the tiny spaces,
and how your smile
clings to the light and dark
that battles in my heart...

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