I And She.

Some nights...

I only feel the woven mat between the mattress and the marble.

[While She holds her pillow with that nightly-dreamy look on her face.]


Some afternoons...

I only feel the empty heat of the summer.

[While She tilts her head back, her eyes contrasting with her parted lips.]


Some mornings...

I only feel the world's possibilities outside the still-dim walls.

[While She dances with the excitement of her dress' hem.]


Some days...

We find ourselves feeling the earth's daily turning... both thinking, yes, We are each other's gravity.

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October 8, 2009.

Flat surfaces fool you
No marks
Cool and uncomplicated-looking things
Not one visible crack
Not a single, faint tremor

Ancient earthquakes

There are no fingerprints here
No traces of clenched fists
Yelled-out voices
Never transcribed
Pristine vastness of white that fool you

Yes... memories are sly creatures.

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Waiting With A "117" Taped To My Chest..

Jenny, your recent post made me realize that I haven't visited my blog in a long time... I haven't written anything in a long time...

____
Too long... but time is relative here.

Sensation of tremors in my arms
My hands feel like two phantoms
My elbows absent
My shoulders floating somewhere else

And I only feel my back pressed against the wall

Locks of hair- like twisted shoelaces
Form patterns on my scalp
The companions of idle fingertips
Weaving idleness into forms of creations

Six years of silence in a six-minute full circle.

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Yes.

Yes, Shirley. Yes. I'm in an infinitely better place now. So much of that is because you are in my life. Thank you everything we share: the joys, the sorrows, the many crazy messes we get into.

I remember your old blog. The one that got you (and me) writing again after so long. Going through your old posts now. The entry from August 6, 2008 struck a chord in me. Admittedly, at the time, the kind of "togetherness" you spoke about completely mystified me. Of course, my paradigms have shifted since then, and I can honestly say that I understand completely.

Thought about you a lot when I was stuck on the damn bus. And I did some more writing. With no intention whatsoever to publish this anywhere, I feel no compunction about posting this. My words are out there anyway. I know you know what I mean. Somewhere the poems float on: perhaps kept and treasured, or maybe lost and forgotten. Wherever they are, a part of me resides in the heart of the world now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

***

The wind moves inside me
the way mountains will move
or sigh or breathe
and tumble like the coarse
gray pebbles of dawn. Sleep
is fading. When was
it ever solid?

Gravity
passes over me. The sky tautens, lifts
its grey grasp from the city.

Somewhere high above is a song,
and a river, and a book about
the continents. I am the shifting, and you--
my sweet-- the tremors of night.
The rifling of blank pages.

Look up: there is a riverboat of cloud
and the keening of the wind,
as it moves inside me. The tired stretch
of road moves inside me
with a shimmering. Was it diminishing?
Still, there is a quickening of wings.
You are the quickening. There
is a tree, and the shadow of a tree
looming. The forms that we assume
are pulsing through the firmament, as
the world turns. As the world turns.

[Sptember 28, 2009]

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The Love Sick puppy- yup, that's me...

hey guys, I wrote this a few days ago, its still a work in progress... Love you!!!

Let us lie down,
My love,
My funny boy.

You can stare at the ceiling and think of nothing,
You can lay there with your hands behind your head
and I will rest mine on your chest
and ride the waves of the rhythm of your breath.

We can stay still and keep silent,
we can create our tiny universe
population two,
spin it out of the wisps of nothing,
turning each second into precious stones.
that I will use to encrust my soul.


In your eyes,
I see volumes, numerous chapters,
You are the pages I long to read for days on end,
I will go on an adventure from your fingertips
I will gallop with the firing of your thoughts
and dance along to the music of you.

I wait,
only for you,
perhaps you will find me to be your perfect card,
perhaps not.

Meanwhile I savor you,
how you sprinkle around me like
powdered sugar,
encompassing all the tiny spaces,
and how your smile
clings to the light and dark
that battles in my heart...

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Uncanny Inspiration...

it has been over two years since I had to come home from my pursuit of education in the United States,
I remember that at the time, I was so sad and I felt so extremely lost because the path that I thought I was going on suddenly gave me an unexpected twist.
For months I was depressed and like I said, lost. It is always hard when you feel that you have been derailed. Somewhere deep, deep, deep deep in my heart, I knew that there would be a day that I would look back and be grateful that things turned out the way they did.
Today is that day...
I am not at the highest point right now, I feel stressed overwhelmed and fearful. I feel lonely, unworthy and broken, but the difference is that beneath this turbulence of emotions, I feel strong and stable. Its a strange yet wonderful experience to feel like a tree in the midst of a storm being beaten from every side, and yet rooted to faith and hope and love. This is a whole new experience for me because I have always been someone who is easily rattled with every fiber of my being.
I opened my Fresno pacific e-mail account today and I haven't done so in months, I decided to read some of the old e-mails, before I left I wrote this:

Dearest Friends and Valued Teachers,

For the past two and a half years God has been so good to me. I had wanted to
study here in the United States for a long time, and let me tell you, it has
surpassed all of my wildest dreams. I have experienced some of the most
amazing things and met some of the most wonderful people you could ever meet.
I thank God so much for allowing me this great opportunity.

For two years I had to wait patiently (and a lot of times impatiently) on the
Lord and for two more, He has given me the desires of my heart.

>From the very moment I arrived here, things have been so frightfully uphill.
A constant struggle with regards to financial issues has been the test of my
walk of faith with God and to be honest, I have not always been faithful and
trusting. Yet, here I am, alive, surviving and joyful despite my troubles.
Though I have been hard headed, like a loving parent the Lord has patiently
loved me, hitting me on the head when I needed it and gently taking my hand in
my moments of overwhelming fear and doubt.

Of course, God's plans are not our plans; his will is not our will. And it
seems as though my time here is coming to a close. I will miss everyone and
everything about FPU (even the bad things).

A few months ago at work, we had morning devotionals. It was about David and
his desire to re-conquer Jerusalem. The Jebusites mocked him and scoffed at
him and yet, we all know that David succeeded in taking back God's chosen
land. Today's key word was nevertheless. Nevertheless, David was able to
reclaim his kingdom.

My life has been filled with nevertheless'. My father died, nevertheless, God
saw me through. It seemed impossible, nevertheless, The Lord made a way for me
to come and study here at FPU. My mother was put in jail; nevertheless she was
set free with much enlightenment from the Lord.

So, today, I pray for my nevertheless. I am aware that it may not be what I
want it to be, but I rest in the fact that it is what God wills for me. And
though I do not fully understand it, I know that all these things are in God's
perfect plan. I let go of all my worry and lay it at God's feet, it is the
scariest and most liberating feeling in the world. I am ready to face what
comes my way. With God in front, beside and behind me, what do I have to fear?
I've nothing to lose.

I wanted to share this with you and send it with a prayer that you too will
realize all the nevertheless' God has put in your life and that he will give
you many more.

You have touched my heart and my life in more ways than you could possibly
imagine.

God bless.

Abby

- The responses to this e-mail were wonderful, I never really noticed before, maybe because at the time, I was too wrapped up in my pain and confusion. I would love to share them with you sometime.
for the past few days, I forgot who I was, and in this most uncanny way, I've been reminded. I am Abby, strong, beautiful, a treasure, and extremely blessed.
I want you to know, Shoilee, Jenny, Ate Sandy, Kuya Gambit and Zoilo, that you have magnified the wonderful things in me tenfold,
thank you...
I'm still not at a hundred percent, but I have a feeling I won't be needing those two weeks after all...

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It is I, Granny Shoil.

I am trying to work but my usual kung-fu powers are catapulting down from their usual high point. Right.

Sigh.

I feel, well, human- far from invincible.

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